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Dumbass Database
A collection of dumbasses for your amusement
Created By: WebMasterP
Version: 2.8.5

Category: Miscellaneous

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Dumbass #86 - Submitted on 02-03-2002 by Frog
I was having difficulty installing my Sound Blaster Live! Platinum 5.1 card into my new computer. I had reinstalled Windows 98, and the SBLive was the first driver I was trying to install. It would lock-up and blue-screen every time I tried. I eventually tried my old Celeron 366 and that worked (turned out the board didn't support my processor, although it claimed to). However, after putting my new processor back into the board, I would get lock-ups and blue-screens on shutdown. I got tired of this and contacted Creative's tech support. After explaining the situation, the Tech was dumbfounded, until I explained my work-around. 'Oh!' he says, 'You need to reinstall Windows.' I told him I had already done so, but it hadn't done any good. 'You have to do it again,' he explains, 'Because you swapped out processors.' I'm starting to get a little curious at this point, and I ask why. 'Windows detects your processor and installs special drivers for it,' he says, 'So when you swapped processors, those drivers are incorrect.' I'm dumbfounded. I explain to him that Windows 98 really doesn't care what processor you're running, and the stuff it displays about your processor is purely informational. I told him I was running a PIII, and Windows thought I was running a PII. I even pointed him to Microsoft support documents that explain how Windows doesn't care. He refused to listen to me, and even told me that if I wanted his help anymore, I would have to do what he said because he was simply trying to help me solve my problem, and if I did not follow his instructions, then he did not have to provide me support any further. Around this time, I figured out my problem (my Tyan motherboard), swapped out the motherboard, and solved my problem. Needless to say, I was shown once again how useless most tech support really is.

- Creative Tech Support
Comments: 0 || Votes: 1

Dumbass #85 - Submitted on 02-03-2002 by ckalbach
One of the great selling points about HP printers is the excellent drivers that come with them. One feature in particular that is advertized to the home user is the ability to reverse images and text for printing onto T-shirt transfers.
A friend who sells printers and other peripherals through a retail shop in Alabama related this story.

He received a call one day from a man complaining that printing T-shirts had ruined his printer and wishing to return it. My friend was intriqued and requested that he bring the offending printer in for inspection. Sure enough, when the printer was returned to the store, a T-shirt (T-shirt transfer and all) was lodged in the feed and print head mechanism. I still can't believe any functioning member of society could be so dumb.

- Name Withheld to Protect the Innocent?
Comments: 0 || Votes: 1

Dumbass #83 - Submitted on 02-03-2002 by stryker
A new employee started a few months ago on the 3rd floor. After just a couple of days on the job, she called me to tell me her mouse wasn't working...I went up to investigate, only to find that she was trying to use the mouse "up-side-down".

---And...NO!...I did not make this up. Even to me, it's U-N-B-E-L-I-E-V-A-B-L-E

- Stryker
Comments: 0 || Votes: 1

Dumbass #82 - Submitted on 02-03-2002 by PuR
In reply to SrTech... Techies for schools are stupid dumb f**ks...

That bess thing was hilarious when we first got it. We would all try to get into a website and would be blocked instantly. But I found the way in. They couldnt even block me or the thousand kids I told it too. They tried blocking it but were instead dumb founded by their own stupidity

- school techies dumbasses
Comments: 0 || Votes: 1

Dumbass #80 - Submitted on 02-03-2002 by PuR
I was at my previous employment at a well known Car Store place. I was talking with one of the sales reps, lets call him Jimbo

Jimbo - "Man I just got a new computer. Yeah it's cool"
Me - "What is it?"
Jimbo - "oh just a gateway XXXX"
Me - "Cool, What speed is the cpu?"
Jimbo - "oh something like 256megabits"
I keep from laughing well
Me - "oh. Cool, umm... How much did you pay for it?"
Jimbo - "only 1,560 with a 17" monitor and a printer"
Me - "OOh nice"
Jimbo - "Yeah It was suppose to have a cd-rw when I ordered it but it doesnt look like it has one"
Me - "did you call"
Jimbo - "Yeah the stupid motherf***ers said that it was in there but I dont see it"

So that was the end of that conversation
Later that month he was like what brand of cd-rw's are good. I explained that Sony, Phillips were good reputable brands, that I had an LG.

Jimbo - "What is 12x8x32x mean?"
Me - "Well thats the speed that it burns at, rewrites at and then reads at"
Jimbo - "So what does the X mean?"
Me - "Thats the speed that it reads at 12 times a certain standardized rotations per mintute"
Jimbo - "thanks"

The next month
Jimbo - "Hey man Why does my cd burning software say i have two cd-writers"
Me- "Well what does it say? Does it say the name of one twice"
Jimbo - "No it says Sony Cd-RXXX and the other one says Phillips XRc-XXX"
Me - "So you bought two cd-rw's?"
Jimbo - "No"
Me - "So you DID get the cd-rw when you bought the computer"
Jimbo - "Wow thanks man, should I return it, cuz I heard that you can make copies from cd to cd?"
Me - "Sorry man gotta leave"

Too much stupidity just leaves me in a mind fog trying to think of how someone is that stupid.

- PuR
Comments: 0 || Votes: 1

Dumbass #70 - Submitted on 02-02-2002 by Terillius
My friend and I were talking in Calculus about the Thunderbird vs. the pentium. We talked about a few games and benchmarks, etc. Suddenly the kid in front of us turned back to ask us a question. We ignored him for a minute and then finally asked him what he wanted. Oh, well nothing. What were you guys talking about? The pentium 7? Isn't that like really good? We looked at him, puzzled. What do you mean Pentium SEVEN? He thought a minute. Wait, that was that AOL thing huh.(AOL 7.0)

- Anonymous
Comments: 0 || Votes: 1

Dumbass #67 - Submitted on 02-02-2002 by Naz88
Working for a large ISP as helpdesk tech, I had a call fairly early in my shift. The man on the other end of the phone asked me a simple question, he said "My new Laptop has just popped up an alarm, saying Critical Battery Alert, What does that mean?" I said: "Your battery is about to die, is the laptop plugged in?"

he said yes it is, its been plugged in all night,

lucky i knew this guy, as in the last 3 years he has called in well over 200 times for support, and everytime he seems to get dumber and dumber..

I thought to myself for a second, this is a new laptop we sold it to him, it should be fine, then I got a bright idea and asked "are you sure its plugged in?" he said yes but let me check, he came back a few seconds later and said "yup the wire is coming right out of the back of the laptop right into the phone jack"

doh... "that wont charge it up" I said, "you have to plug it into the electrical outlet!!!"

I have over 200 stories just as dumb as this, all 100% real, all from the same user..

Just a few of the replies to this comuptationally challenged person

like " no, you cant file an RJ45 (Ethernet) to fit into an RJ11 (telephone) jack and expect it to work!!!"

"yes you have to hit enter after typing a URL!!!"

"yes you do have to open a web browser to access the web ..."

"His mouse was not moving. Eventually i figured out he wasn't in windows yet!!! Doh!"

"open browser after connected."

"the logon to windows screen has stopped **** from getting into his computer for two days (supposedly).. I got him through it"

"big surprise. he still can't connect. What is it, like 10 seconds since his last call? His username is in there 2x. Remove it please and try again. Too bad you don't get air miles for calling helpdesk. We could send him to the moon."

"no you cant connect through a dial up modem through a network card... tsk tsk... told him it had to be a phone cord and he probably pulled the cord cause i got disconnected"

list goes on and on, ill post more in a week or so, all the same user...

- Anonymous
Comments: 0 || Votes: 1

Dumbass #66 - Submitted on 02-02-2002 by lethalnd
This is relayed from a buddy of mine who worked tech support for Gatway for about 6 months. They had a call from a customer who had purchased an expensive machine with voice recognition software for do dictation. He was calling tech support because it would type garbae for no reason. So the tech walks him through uninstalling and re-installing the app, and setting up the voice recognition again. So the guy is trying it... like "blah blah blah mgklhjhdf blah blah" but where the mgklhjdf is on the screen, there is heard a load scream in the background. The tech asks "whats that?" and the response was "oh, him? thats Ralph... he does that all the time. He's harmless" SO it turns out this guy is a doctor at state-run physciatric ward, and the reason for the jumbled letters is his patients wailing in the background!

That was like 2 years ago, and I still smile every time I think about it.

- Lethal
Comments: 0 || Votes: 1

Dumbass #65 - Submitted on 02-02-2002 by annonuk
My father-in-law has free internet access from his cable supplier, he says he need another isp just in case the free one goes down, He pays 15 a month for unlimited AOL. Oh he also keeps his Compuserve account too, another 6 or so.

- Anonymous
Comments: 0 || Votes: 1

Dumbass #64 - Submitted on 02-02-2002 by Ballistyx
After my stint as a helpdesk tech, I became a network admin (along with being a second level technician (as in, if the first guy can't help you, then it comes to me)). I could spend all day regurgitating some gems from this one, but I'll start with two for now.

Before we had a strict Internet policy, users would go pretty much anywhere they'd want to (as in :non-work releated sites" if you know what I mean).

Well, this one end user had managed to accumulate one heck of a pr0n collection on his private network drive (about 500MB's worth). Hey, normally we don't care what people do with the space, but since it isn't exactly work related, we deleted the files on him and being the nice guys we are, we didn't mention anything about it to his boss or Human Resources.

At any other company, his ass would have been thrown out on the street for pulling something like that, but we admins are pretty tolerant of that kinda stuff, so we figured that he'd get the hint. Heheh Some morons just don't get it I tell ya.

Either he was incredibly stupid, or he had Brass Balls the size of Alaska. Would you believe that he had the cajones to call the helpdesk, and submit a helpdesk ticket for a FILE RESTORE for all of that pr0n?!?! He kept insisting that his resume was in the directory that the pictures were in, and he absolutely NEEDED the whole directory restored. heheh yeah.... right.

Fast Forward a few months:

Helpdesk forwared me a ticket for a user by the name of "Nick". Well, Nick already had a reputation for being an obnoxious a$$hole, but I usually don't listen to that sort of stuff and try to build some rapport with the person anyway. Well, I found out first hand why he had that reputation.

What Nick the Prick was trying to do was access another user's Exchange mailbox without:

1) Logging into the network

2) Without providing any credentials to Exchange

3) .. and without getting the other user's permission (he said he had it, but I didn't beleive it for a second).

All the while, he was literally getting in my face INSISTING that before that day he was able to do it. PFFTTHH!! C'mon kids, say it along with me: BULLSHIT!

Since he had managed to mess up his Exchange settings pretty badly, I went ahead and fixed them. About his other request though.. I told him I'd get back to him and that I'd have to research it.

Getting back to my desk, I closed the helpdesk ticket with the following:

"User managed to completely scramble all of his Exchange settings. Uninstalled and Re-Installed Exchange client, and reconfigured client to access his mailbox and personal folders.

User was EXTREMELY uncooperative, and was blatently lying to my face to try and get me to circumvent network security.

His client is now fixed, but unfortunately there is no fixing this moron of an end-user, which is unfortunate as he should not be allowed to breed."

I left it at that and didn't think much of it. For the next two days I kept getting e-mails from the helpdesk with "YOU ARE THE KING!!!" What had happened is that the literally EVERYBODY on the helpdesk had read the call and were laughing their assess off, because I had the balls to put down on the call EXACTLY what they have been dying to do for this user. heheheh

To this day, whenever I pay a visit to the helpdesk, I get the "So... YOUR xxxxxxxx!". heheheh

- Anonymous
Comments: 0 || Votes: 1

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